Rodney Dangerfield’s (mostly) one-liners

Offered as a public service. Found on the Internet Movie Database, the most important reason for the Internet to exist.
It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she’s afraid of the light.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, “At least we know your vision is perfect.”

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, ‘I don’t know. There’s lots of places for them to hide’.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, ‘Be quiet, you’ll wake up Daddy’.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, “Basement?”

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My cousin’s gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What a kid I’ve got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn’t met me yet.