Stories He Can Tell

I’ve never been to a film festival, but I’ve read about 10-minute standing ovations at the end of a Cannes screening. 

The closest I came to anything like that was the night that Annie Hall opened in my hometown. There was an ass in every seat, no loudmouth back-talkers, and everyone laughed in the right places. Then, of course, the Standing O.

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It was one of the highlights of my movie-watching career.

Not every Woody Allen film has gotten that kind of reception. 

His humor and storytelling were briefly in planetary alignment with mass taste for a few years, but then he spiraled off to his own galaxy, making his quiet, esoteric films — some of which occasionally found a decent-sized audience (Hannah and Her Sisters, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Midnight in Paris, to name a few).

I’ve enjoyed more of his movies than I’ve disliked. That’s wrong. I don’t think I’ve disliked any of them, but now and then I find one a wee bit boring or self-indulgent.

I’ve always found Allen’s prose to be more consistent. 

He published three collections of his short stories and comic pieces in rapid succession — Getting Even (1971), Without Feathers (1975) and Side Effects (1980). He began publishing prose in the New Yorker in 1966 and kept up a pretty vigorous schedule of contributions. 

Some of these stories were the kind that made me laugh out loud. Some were honored with recognition that had before been lavished on Flannery O’Connor, Eudora Welty  and John Cheever. (Allen’s “The Kugelmass Episode” won the coveted O. Henry Award in 1978.)

He maintained a film-a-year schedule and still produced short stories — until his prose work slowed to a trickle, then stopped, in the 2010s.

Twenty-seven years after Side Effects, Allen published a collection called Mere Anarchy, but his prose output has ramped up in the last five years. First came Apropos of Nothing, his hilarious and touching autobiography, a collection called Zero Gravity and now, at 89, his first novel, What’s With Baum? (Post Hill Press, $28).

Certain doors are no longer open to Allen. He signed a deal with Amazon Studios but has still struggled to release his films. His previous big-time publishers (Random House, Little Brown) no longer publish his work, so he has aligned with Arcade and Post Hill Press, two smaller pubishing companies.

Woody Allen in Stardust Memories.

Too bad that his books and films are not getting the distribution he used to get. His work has not lost a step.

Reading What’s With Baum? Is like watching one of his films. It’s structured that way and has a plot and a narrative approach that lends itself to screen treatment.

Baum is a once-promising writer experiencing several varieties of writer’s block. His third marriage has come with a son who loathes Baum. The boy is poised for success, including magazine and television profiles, and with his new book being hailed as a work of genius. 

But Baum discovers a dirty little secret about the boy and the book and becomes, at least among his family and social set, the avatar of ethics.

It is a masterfully written book. Few storytellers have Woody Allen’s gifts. I hope he is able to continue sharing his stories.

Rodney Dangerfield’s (mostly) one-liners


Offered as a public service. Found on the Internet Movie Database, the most important reason for the Internet to exist.
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It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.

My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she’s afraid of the light.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, “At least we know your vision is perfect.”

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, ‘I don’t know. There’s lots of places for them to hide’.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, ‘Be quiet, you’ll wake up Daddy’.

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me better as a friend.

At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, “Basement?”

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My cousin’s gay. He went to London only to find out that Big Ben is a clock.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What a kid I’ve got. I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous: everyone hasn’t met me yet.