The Magnificent Bastard Sandwich

I realize that’s a tough name to live up to. But this sandwich earned its name because after taking the first bite of this fucker, the standard response is to say — while chewing and spitting food everywhere — “Great Mother of Conjugating Christ! What a magnificent bastard is this sandwich!”

Trust me on this. (And don’t talk with your mouth full, you ill-mannered twerp.)

Here’s the origin story of the Magnificent Bastard: It begins with leftovers — too many things in too-little space. We’d all like a fridge the size of a Hummer, but they don’t exist in nature. So this sandwich originated from that urgent human need to deal with massive amounts of leftovers.

And you know — sometimes I think the only reason we have Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner is so we can have leftovers. 

Follow this recipe. You will clean out the fridge and also feel the need to do cartwheels or breakdance after eating leftovers in this form.

This is the way we do it at Chez McKeen starting the day after Thanksgiving:

Gitchy some Cuban bread. Gnaw off about a six-inch length and then take a knife to it and gut it like a fish.

Slather one side of the bread with some of that olive-oil based mayonnaise.

On the other side, carefully construct a mosaic from leftover turkey parts. You don’t need slices cut in some sort of weird geometry designed by Man. This is art. Put all of these turkey morsels together as if you’re fuckin’ Wilhelm De Kooning.

Then, gitchy some of your incredible homemade cranberry sauce. Spread it out evenly over the mayonnaise. Then cover that with a layer of oyster dressing. If a McKeen (or a McKeen associate) didn’t cook at your house yesterday, then you’re fucked. You’ll just have to do the best you can. (You poor, deprived weasels . . . .)

Bring those two sides of bread together and prepare yourself for an orgasmic taste sensation.

Years ago, there was some lame-ass ad campaign with some goomers standing on a hillside singing about how they’d like to teach the world to sing and how they’d like to give everyone a Coke.

I think the world’s population would be much better served with these sandwiches. If all inhabitants of Planet Earth ate a Magnificent Bastard Sandwich, we would have world peace.

Ah … “Peace Through Leftovers.”