White Trash Macaroni

Gitchy a 12-pack of Busch Light, the beer of the new economy. It’ll set you back $7.39 up to the filling station, but at least they’s open on holidays.

Gitchy one of them aluminum toss-away pans.

Drink the first beer while you boil macaroni in the conventional all-American way. Make it the way you like it. For me, there’s nothing worse than flaccid macaroni. A little firmness is appreciated.

When the macaroni’ s done, drain that shit and put it in the aluminum toss-away pan. Eyeball it. You’ve got more shit to put in, so keep some room.

Drink another Busch Light while you toss in four cups of sprinkle cheese — the stuff what’s already been shredded. Nothing sharp. Mild or regular cheddar’ll do.

Don’t be stingy with the bacon like these people were.

Drink you another Busch Light. Depending on taste, put in one or two cans of sweetened condensed milk. None of this regular evaporated milk bullshit. If you want to make regular macaroni and cheese, stop reading now. If you want to do genuine white-trash macaroni, it must be sweetened condensed milk. (Me, I am of the two-cans school when it comes to sweetened condensed milk. The sweetness is what sells this bastard to your audience of eaters.)

Poke that shit all through there — make sure the cheese, the macaroni and the sweetened condensed milk mix into a goopy, syrupy mess. You might need another beer to get you through this part.

Gitchy a rasher of bacon. Don’t matter what kind. Store brand is fine. Some favor the maple-flavored kind.

But whatever, here’s what you do: Once the macaroni, cheese and sweetened condensed milk are all flattened out to an agreeable state in the pan, sprinkle black pepper on the motherfucker — we’re talking blotting out the macaroni, like Oklahoma storm clouds. Then cover that shit with the bacon.

Looking down on it from above, we don’t want to see any yellow macaroni peeking out. We need to see bacon and where we don’t see bacon, we need to see black pepper.

Pop this bastard in the oven and cook at 350 degrees until the bacon starts to crisp. Me, I like my bacon to oink, but some people like it charred. So all that matters is that you cook the bacon to your taste. Beer is required during this part of the procedure.

After a while, take out the pan. Sometimes, it works to cut it into cubes, like it’s Rice Krispies treats. That’ll do. But however you want to serve it, dig-a-rama.

Best served with beer.

Toss away that fucked-up pan and bask in the glow of an appreciative and artery- clogged bunch of eaters.