The Nuclear Green-Bean Casserole

You will need four big-ass cans of green beans. Get the regular American cut. Squared off. None of this tapered-off French-cut shit. Don’t even think about fresh beans. They’d be wasted.

You will also need about two mahonga cans of fried onions, two curds of sour cream, 4-6 cans of cream of mushroom soup (depends on your taste) and about six cups of sprinkle cheese. (I suggest medium, but if you want it sharp, suit yourself.)

Set aside one of those cans of onions. Drain the green beans and throw the rest of the crap into a disposable aluminum pan. Trust me: You don’t want to cook this big bastard in anything you’re going to have to clean.

So mess the stuff up. Use a wooden spoon and poke that shit all around together. Get it in a mixture the approximate shade of the wall paint in military housing, circa 1964. Try to avoid surprising pockets of sour cream or cheese here and there. Mix it up good. To make sure that you spend the appropriate amount of time mixing this shit, allow yourself to consume one beer as you mix. Do not slam the beer. Take your time. Sip it. So no Mad Dog 64 for this. Needs to be a sipping beer, like Bass Ale. If you spill a bit into the casserole dish, don’t freak. It adds to the flavor.

Smooth it out. Use the back of the wooden spoon like a paint brush. The casserole dish is now your palette. Go all Van Gogh on the motherfucker.

Once this is done, spread the last can of fried onions on top. Bake it at 350 degrees for an hour, or until you start to smell the onions burning. A few burned onions are OK, but it’d suck if you had a kitchen fire on account of this. I disavow all knowledge of this recipe in case of lawsuits.

This will change your life.